The week in satire Vol. #116

And what a week it was!

A week in which people wondered if we should do something about climate change! A week in which people decided, “Hmm, possibly”! And a week in which we moved seven days closer to extinction!

But what else happened?

Let’s look back and see:

Theresa May loses support from everyone but Change UK

by John Shafthauer

Theresa May faces yet another no-confidence vote – this time from the Tory grassroots:

Oh NO!!!
Prime Minister Theresa May is to face an unprecedented no-confidence challenge – from Conservative grassroots campaigners.https://t.co/5GlpnmbCjg

— ARTIST TAXI DRIVER (@chunkymark) April 22, 2019

Has everyone lost faith in the prime minister now?

As it turns out, no, they haven’t. She’s still got the support of Change UK (CHUK) – a party which supposedly exists to change the UK:

Heidi Allen makes clear that Change UK won’t vote against May in a confidence motion. Anyone would think the TIGers believe they would lose their seats. Still, a glimmer of good news for the PM

— Tim Shipman (@ShippersUnbound) April 23, 2019

Things can only get same-ier

Off The Perch asked CHUK to explain itself. A representative told us:

Look – an election wouldn’t change anything.

In response, we sat them down and explained that elections actually change a great deal of things. For a start, they alter which MPs have seats. They can also change which party is in power. And furthermore, they give a good impression of what proposals are popular with the populous.

The representative argued:

Look – an election wouldn’t change anything.

We became suspicious at this point – noticing that the rep hadn’t blinked in over forty minutes.

“Look – an election wouldn’t change anything,” they repeated – this time unprompted.

Before we could inspect them for the tell-tale signs of robotics, an assistant swooped in and dragged them away.

Politi-bots 

Look – we’re not saying that Change UK is a group of centrist robots who’ve been programmed by sinister billionaires to protect the status quo. We are saying that if they were, would there really be any difference?

Remainers ‘Brexit’ from other Remainers

by John Shafthauer

The European parliament elections loom. Because of the UK’s inability to do Brexit, the country will likely need to stand in them. Brexiteers have largely lined up behind the Brexit Party. But what of the Remainers – the ones who’ve spent three years dominating the discourse on Twitter?

Umm…

Last one remaining 

The Brexit movement went largely dormant after it won the election. This gave its opponents time to:

• Discuss the issues which led to Brexit – issues like rampant inequality, etc.
• Create an overarching campaign that sought to fix all of Britain’s wrongs – not just ensure the middle classes could go on their skiing holidays with minimal interference – not just shout “BREXIT WILL MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE” whenever someone complained they’re being austerity’d to death right now.
• Actually discuss the issues which led to Brexit!
• Ask war criminals like Tony Blair to kindly fuck off because they make Remain look like twats by association.
• ACTUALLY DISCUSS THE ISSUES WHICH LED TO BREXIT!

The fact that Remain became spearheaded by the sorts of politicians who lost the 2010 and 2015 elections has led to this picture:

European Parliament voting intention:

LAB: 33% (+8)
CON: 18% (-6)
BREX: 17% (+17)
CHUK: 9% (+9)
LDEM: 9% (+2)
UKIP: 5% (-22)
GRN: 5% (-2)

via @ComRes, 16 Apr
Chgs. w/ 2014 result

— Britain Elects (@BritainElects) April 18, 2019

Remainia

Unfortunately, for the many people who just don’t want a Tory Brexit, the Remain movement has become saturated with careerists, ‘I’m-alright-Jacktivists’, and Mike Gapes. This isn’t panning out. And that really shouldn’t be surprising.

Still, at least Chuka Umunna is enjoying the attention.

Change UK vetting process fails to spot Nazi crocodile

by John Shafthauer

Change UK (CHUK) is having a bit of a shitemare when it comes to picking candidates for the European elections:

Here's the @TheIndGroup MEPs 36 hours after their launch:

😱 2 MEP candidates suspended, one for anti-Romanian bigotry, one for saying "Black women scare me" and describing someone as a "crazy black whore"

😱 1 candidate denouncing the #MeToo movement, claiming it vilifies men https://t.co/q2MLepq8px

— Owen Jones (@owenjonesjourno) April 24, 2019

😱 A candidate praising the DUP and sharing an 'amusing' anecdote with the punchline "Come on Neil, there's always room in the charts for a couple of poofs with a synthesiser."

😱 A candidate demonising council workers as "shoulder shruggers", "finger pointers" + "fag breakers"

— Owen Jones (@owenjonesjourno) April 24, 2019

(Sorry, should be clearer here – the 2 MEPs were allowed to step down as candidates. They haven't been suspended from the party or subject to any disciplinary measures that have been made public).

— Owen Jones (@owenjonesjourno) April 24, 2019

Somehow, this crisis has worsened. It turns out its latest pick is a paid-up member of the British Nazi Party. He’s also – somewhat inexplicably – a crocodile.

Oh, snap

A spokesperson from CHUK said:

We have a very serious vetting process, actually. First we ask people if they’re available at the end of May. Then we ask how highly they rate capitalism on a scale of ‘chill’ to ‘super chill’. In the future, we’ll also be asking candidates if they’re crocodiles.

A journalist wondered if there’d also be some sort of screening for bigotry. The spokesperson huffed:

Look, we stand against bigotry in all its forms. However, if people want to indulge in racism in the privacy of a 2016 Twitter message, who are we to criticise?

CHUK swapped this gentleman out for a new spokesperson at this point. His replacement said:

Having discussed his past comments, my predecessor has agreed to step down. Change UK completely opposes bigots. In fact, that’s all we’re doing right now. They seem to have joined our party en masse for some reason.

Jokes

Look – obviously this story is a big joke. The idea that the media would give serious coverage to these scandalous candidates is laughable. Ha ha ha.

And by the way, that crocodile ate Mike Gapes. Tragic. Especially for CHUK, as it means the Marxists got it right – capitalism really will eat itself.

Corbyn refuses to wear golden bikini for Jabba the C*nt

by John Shafthauer

Intergalactic space slug Jabba the C*nt will visit the UK in June. The slimy invertebrate expects our dignitaries to show him the works. Golden bikinis, in other words. But some politicians refuse to dance down his greasy pole. Jeremy Corbyn is among them.

Slime time

Jabba is known for many things. They include:

• His fondness for the dark side.
• Employing a ragtag bunch of horror-creeps.
• Still not building that wall.

Some called Corbyn a hypocrite. After all, the Labour leader has spoken to several other space monsters. Corbyn himself replied:

That’s true, but I didn’t wear a golden-fucking-bikini for them, did I?

Theresa May has remained silent on the matter. She would. The local elections are coming up, and her strategy is to hope people forget she exists.

Reports have come in that she’s been measured for a golden swimsuit. One aide told us:

She’s not in a position to tell Jabba no. She’s not in a position to tell anyone no. I’m not even sure if she’s PM anymore. She’s basically just a protocol droid, but without the humanity.

Dance

Most people can see the difference between discussing state matters with Jabba and doing a lapdance in his honour. The tabloids can’t:

Then again, their editors aren’t technically ‘people’. As far as we can tell, they’re the aliens from the trash compactor. Shit-eating garbage monsters, in other words.

Featured and in-story images via Wikimedia – Chris McAndrew / Gage Skidmore – Wikimedia / Wikimedia – Chris McAndrew / Wikimedia – Kenneth Halley / Wikimedia – Chris McAndrew / Wikimedia – UK Parliament / Geograph – N Chadwick / Wikimedia – Free PNG / Dave Phillips – Flickr /(image was altered)