The Week in Ableist Bullsh*t: the Wet Wipe Farewell Tour

Well, we’re on the home stretch of the general election, the Tories are almost definitely going to lose spectacularly, and many many evil cunts will be crying in sports halls come 3am Friday morning.

While most Tories have all but admitted the government is a sinking ship and rightly fled, one dirty little rat is clinging on. 

While most Tories don’t even want to be seen supporting Rishi in private, ever-faithful Mel Stride was once again on the media trail this week.

This is the sixth time ol’ Wet Wipe has been the media face of the Tories since the election was announced just over five weeks ago. The only person as keen to be pimped out is James Cleverly who seemingly will talk to a camera whether or not it’s recording.

So last week saw the wet wipe-in-chief shaming himself even further than before, all presumably in an attempt to carve out a media career.

Mel Stride: does Strictly beckon?

The MP-on-TV Strictly-to-presenter pipeline must seem tempting. After all, it worked for Ed Balls, but then people actually liked Ed Balls.

Or maybe this is him going out with a bang, the Wet Wipe Farewell Tour before he disappears into obscurity. Either way, he certainly put his all into it.

On Wednesday 26 June morning alone, he cropped up on deep breath:

Times Radio, GB News, Sky News and BBC Breakfast, BBC Radio 4, LBC and GMB… Heyyyy Macarena

Among his many many gaff dumps along the way, Stridey boy said he didn’t see a problem with Tories betting on the election and called the billion-pound PPE write-off “inevitable”. 

Which is exactly what you’d expect from a man who wants to kill disabled people by forcing them into work and never had to struggle a day in his life. 

And then we come onto the car crash GMB interview, truly a beautiful example of how to really cut down a smug over-privileged cunt. 

I. Am. Stride.

It came off the back of the Institute for Fiscal Studies (IFS) saying that both Labour and the Conservatives were circling a black hole in public finances. He was asked by Martin Lewis what his party are going to do about it. Wet Wipe attempted to pull out his usual “well Labour” routine:

We have the fastest growing economy in the G7.. We will reduce people’s taxes.. Labour will increase taxes to the highest tax burden…

Martin Lewis chimed back:

We already have the highest tax burden in the history of the country and it comes after the Tories have been in the government for 14 years.

The talking in circles and blaming Labour got so bad that even Susanna Reid who spends most interviews looking like she’s fantasising about torturing Piers Morgan called out his bullshit:

We’re talking to you, not Labour.. 40% of our viewers think they will be better off under Labour.. Only 28% under the Conservatives.. Whatever your message is, it’s not getting through”

Wet Wipe continued:

Working families will pay £3,000 more in tax under Labour.

It continued and he was dragged and pulled to absolute shreds, Reid pointing out the figure was disputed, Mel Stride saying the future is more important, Lewis continuing to push that he won’t answer the question again and again until Stridey looked like he needed a wet wipe himself – and a new pair of trousers.

And then we got the best comedy I’ve seen in years:

And with perfect timing, Lewis finished off by saying:

Well Martin Lewis will be here to save you some money on council tax in a moment.

The interview was so bad that the same afternoon the Tories attempted to put a hit out on Martin Lewis.

The Wet Wipe Farewell Tour may not be over yet

In a now-deleted video with the caption “they’re not telling the truth’ the Tories attempted to smear Lewis by claiming he’s working for Labour, who they say want to raise taxes:

You know your party is absolutely fucked when you decide to attempt to turn the public against a national treasure because they bad-mouthed a member of the cabinet. 

Imagine thinking the British public would choose a man who wants to kill disabled people over someone who is the reason many of us can still afford our gas bill. 

But if I had a nickel for every time the Tories tried to turn the British public against a national treasure last week I’d have two nickels, which isn’t a lot but it’s weird it happened twice. 

I’ve a feeling this definitely won’t be the last we see of Wet Wipe in the coming weeks, but lets hope it’s more a farewell tour and less a cha-cha into Strictly for the fucker.

Featured image via the Canary