Jon Ashworth may be gone, but fear not – Wes Streeting is Labour’s new Alan Partridge

The only humourous thing about the general election has been observing what are essentially the dregs of each main political party tie themselves in knots attempting to look like competent politicians. However, sadly one of the Canary’s favourites, the Labour Party’s Jonathan Ashworth, is no more. But don’t worry – because waiting in the wings was permanently nasal Wes Streeting to pick up the Canary award for ‘Best Accidental Partridge’ moment.

We loved Ashworth.

Well, we say ‘loved’ Ashworth. He’s was a weasely politician who’d do anything to curry favour while pandering to the worst traits of society – be that immigrant bashing or benefit claimant shaming.

However, like much of parliament he was someone who wasn’t a natural orator – or natural anything, quite frankly – so actual public scrutiny when a dog-eared script wasn’t available was quite often torturous to watch. But of course, it was also unintentionally hilarious.

Prime example: just days before the election Ashworth being confronted by some elderly Muslim uncles. You would have thought from his reaction that Ashworth was actually being confronted by members of the BNP:

Bumped into Labour MP @JonAshworth who was canvassing in Leicester. Elderly Muslim uncles who prev supported Jon came out to ask why he abstained from the 🇵🇸ceasefire vote so he resorted to playing victim by saying we were bullying & intimidating him. We have every right to Q you pic.twitter.com/5q5UDCgTXN

— Majid Freeman (@Majstar7) June 21, 2024

However, Ashworth’s Alan Partridge moment came when he autonomically either a) was so uncomfortable he tried to make himself LOOK comfortable by stretching (and just made himself look even more uncomfortable in the process), or b) was pretending to do some ninja shit in an attempt to intimidate said Muslim uncles.

The Canary has helpfully giffed the moment for you:

Sadly, though, Ashworth will no longer be around to deliver those Accidental Partridge moments for us. He’s likely to fade into obscurity via a think tank – because lets face it, the lamp post he nearly walked into has more charisma – ergo, is more likely to land a spot on Strictly.

All is not lost, though. Because Streeting clearly got the memo to pick up the baton.

Stop. Getting. Public. Speaking. Wrong.

At some ungodly hour of the morning of 5 July, the now-health secretary and Labour’s wannabe Twunk-in-Chief was playing grown up politics over on BBC News. Unfortunately for Streeting, much like his Partridge predecessor Ashworth if man hasn’t got a script to work off then man’s not got a lot else there. That is:

So, Streeting attempted to use a sailing analogy to represent the Labour Party’s laughable ‘landslide’ – y’know, the one where the party got less votes than Corbyn did in 2019 BUT IT’S STILL A LANDSLIDE… [Partridge moment number one]:

Rule one of public speaking: don’t start an analogy that you can’t finish. Streeting’s desperate linguistic gymnastics were a sight to behold. So much so, the renowned X account Accidental Partridge thought them noteworthy enough to include in its feed:

#AccidentalPartridge pic.twitter.com/Dp7cyn6Ky7

— Accidental Partridge (@AccidentalP) July 5, 2024

It’s all so this:

The madness of a floundering Streeting attempting to fill thin air with something resembling political oration was not lost on other X users:

wes streeting’s 3 minute long metaphor about Labour being a “rebuilt ship… in tip-top… ship… shape” is truly something out of The Thick of It

— rosie (@breadandrosie) July 4, 2024

Anyone who just heard Wes Streeting ship-ship-shaping his way through that tortured analogy will, I suspect, have had a fit of laughter like I just did

— Chaminda Jayanetti (@cjayanetti) July 4, 2024

But, much like Ashworth, there is a point to this nonsense we’re dedicating an article to after barely having slept for 48 hours.

Lynn! Lynn! I’ve got myself into an analogy cul-de-sac and can’t get out!

Take away the semi-polished veneer of these Labour frontbenchers and throw them into a situation where their answers haven’t been pre-arranged, or the questions pre-prepared, and these inarticulate, shallow nincompoops literally fall apart.

It’s not just a Labour problem, either – most of the Tories are the same.

And it’s called careerism:

Where politicians are constructed on a think-tank and policy-wonk construction line with the goal being to end up at 1am on British television after ALMOST losing your seat to a (deep breath) BRITISH-PALESTINIAN MUSLAMIST GIRL and your pathetic sterile and engineered life suddenly flashes so brightly before your dead eyes that literal garbage flows across your thin bitter lips and there’s no way out of the situation and the sweat starts to dribble from your Veet’d armpits despite you spraying two factories’ worth of Lynx Africa on an hour prior but it’s OK because you’ll still get a job in fucking government and a career afterwards once the public realise what a crook you really are and boot you out so you carry on until the bitter end and hope to God the Canary doesn’t write a column on it:

Too late, Streeting – and there’ll be plenty more where this came from over the next five years, too.

Featured image via BBC iPlayer – screengrab