Farage seeks divine intervention against National Trust vegan tampons

The Onion-isation of British politics continued yesterday as prospective Reform Führer Nigel Farage took time out from his busy racism schedule to tackle the most pressing issue for all British voters – the contents of vending machines found in National Trust gents toilets. On his X account, the Reform leader howled:

The National Trust has put vegan tampons in men’s toilets. God help us.

Those playing Reform Culture War Bollocks Bingo will have noticed a busy card here, with all the standard fixations of a fevered right-wing imagination, plus a minor supporting role for The Almighty. Our Creator has apparently been lying low since learning that his most questionable invention – the human race – had spawned The Farage 61 years ago. The deity invoked by the Member of Parliament for Clacton has been fairly uninterested in climate breakdown and genocide lately, so whether he’ll concern himself with ensuring that National Trust tampons are as gammon as Reform supporters themselves remains to be seen.

Farage is making Britain great again – one beefy, non-vegan tampon at a time

And for those of you mumbling “I didn’t think you were supposed to eat tampons anyway”… a) shut up; and b) I’ll have you know that the definition of vegan extends to non-edible items such as shoes, other items of clothing, cosmetics… anything really. Turns out that period pals can actually contain glues or fragrances that are of animal origin.

It does beg the question, however – if they don’t like ’em vegan, exactly how meaty does Reform UK want our female hygiene products to be?

Does every box of Tampax need to be a minimum of 20% cow?

We may find out soon enough – given the complete non-existence of any actual fucking policy from the reactionary goons currently leading in the polls, expect tampon bovine content promises to be the lead item in their manifesto.

The presence of errant crimson crusaders in the National Trust of all places has unsurprisingly distracted Reform shitlords from their primary task of evicting the entire NHS workforce from their imagined Rainy Fascism Island. Its historic role of whitewashing the British aristocracy in exchange for letting the great unwashed see 0.6% of Lord Warcrime of Slavesbury’s 5 billion sq. metre estate, has latterly seemingly shifted towards the dreaded misdeed of wokery. In 2020 it started to finally get curious about whether Baron Elgintheft and co. had acquired their fortunes in an entirely ethical manner – what with the colonialism and genocide and slavery and all – when it drew up a list of its properties that had historic links to the near infinite criminality of Britain’s ruling class.

All males caught purchasing tampons will have one gruel token revoked

Quite why the existence of non-dairy jam rags in men’s toilets specifically has irked Farage is an additional question. Are we to infer from this that men must not, in any circumstances, purchase cotton cigars for the more civilised half of the population? Will a future Reform dictat leave us gents telling our beloved “sorry love, just cross your legs ’til we get home – Lord Emperor Nigel has decreed that I would lose my Man Card if I were to demean myself with the purchase of a lady cork, even in the secrecy of Viceroy Plantation of Famineshire’s toilets”? Lavatories themselves, and who exactly uses them, obviously remain a trigger for perma-frothing among the transphobic right.

Of course, the actual matter irking our Nige is the one that always keeps our rulers up at night – the perennial unfixable issue of human empathy. The fact that we might care about each other, still worse other animals(!), could mean we one day band together against the likes of Reform and their grim vision of blood and soil authoritarianism. So concern for other living creatures through veganism must be stamped out. The idea that male and female roles must be tightly and opposingly defined is critical. Oh and anything to distract from the fact that the clueless Reform are already showing how inept they are at governance.

So now you know that Canary columnists have nothing better to do on a Friday night than write about iron lollipops and whether PETA might approve. Still, at least we got through a whole bit about vegan tampons and Nigel Farage without using the ‘c’ word once.

Sorry to spoil it, but Carnivores – piss off and mind your own bloody business!

Featured image via the Canary