£350m NHS lie ‘wasn’t shameless enough’, claims Boris Johnson

Speaking to The Guardian, Boris Johnson said the £350m Brexit claim was “too low”. When confused reporters pointed out the figure was – you know – horse shit, Johnson clarified:

Indeed, my good peasant. A shameless lie. But was it quite shameless enough?

Promises, promises

Johnson went on to promise several more things – hastily painting them on the side of a bus. Said promises included:

• Free hair dryers for foster mums.
• A third Ace Ventura movie.
• James Corden to travel back in time and murder baby Hitler.
• 7-day weekends.
• Inner-city car parks that pay you.
• Two new seasons – both of which will combine the heat of summer with the magic of Christmas.
• NHS after-care to be taken care of by Lush.
• A sixth Spice Girl.
• The entire Trident budget to be reinvested in genetically engineering porgs.
• A human face for Michael Gove.
• Cheese that makes you lose weight.
• Middle-managers will be required to give their underlings foot rubs.
• Drinks all round.

Shameless

When asked if he felt any shame, the Foreign Secretary responded:

I thought I did once, but it turned out I’d just sat on an egg.

Johnson then proceeded to tell anyone who would listen that he was “the basis for Luke Skyman in the Star Trek movies”.

But like everything else Johnson says, it probably wasn’t the case.

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Featured image via Flickr – Jerry Daykin (image was altered)