The week in satire Vol. #115

And what a week it was!

A week in which I’m struggling to get this finished in time for the bank holiday, so without further ado!

The right reacts to Labour’s poll lead with trademark rationality

Despite having much of the media against it, Labour has taken a big lead in the polls. These things tend to go up and down, but many on the right have convinced themselves that socialism is coming. As you’d expect from the greatest minds the right has to offer, these people are acting with trademark grace and rationality:

Panic on the streets of Westminster

Off The Perch caught up with a columnist for the Daily Mail:

I’ve read two books about WWII, and let me tell you – Stalin was a pretty bad guy. Stalin was a revolutionary who fought in a bloody uprising and spent several years imprisoned. Is it fair to say Corbyn would be as bad? I’d say worse, if anything. Stalin was pushed into Marxism by circumstance; Corbyn simply hungers for it like a greedy dog.

In ten years from now, the entire UK will be a desolate wasteland. All the normal people will be slaves on Corbyn’s work-allotments; everyone else will be some sort of post-gender cyborg. It begins with cheaper water rates and ends in genocide. Believe me – I’ve read two entire books. One of them right to the end.

Keep calm and carry on

Of course, it’s not just commentators who are losing it. Politicians and millionaires are having a meltdown too – especially as many politicians are millionaires.

Does anyone think it’s acceptable for legislators to publish like this?

Is there no code of conduct covering this stuff for parliamentarians? Unbelievable. pic.twitter.com/9AkbGro21G

— Aaron Bastani (@AaronBastani) April 14, 2019

Calls for politicians and journalists to display their conflicts of interest

by John Shafthauer

People in the UK can be suspicious of journalists and politicians. These people are supposed to look out for our interests. Sometimes, however, it’s not in their interest to do so:

Sky News anchor (who also happens to be a landlord) decides to turn an interview about housing policy into an irrelevant and patronising rant about her tenants https://t.co/ITlohPAVip

— Jon Stone (@joncstone) April 15, 2019

This is why people are now calling for journalists and politicians to list their sponsors / conflicts of interest on their clothing.

Who funds you?

The woman pushing for this explained:

When Lewis Hamilton does a race in his go-fast cars, I can see exactly who’s sponsoring him. The same can’t be said of politicians. But why? Surely these businesses want people to know they’re sponsoring politicians? Unless the benefits they get from the deal are best kept hush hush.

The Tory MP Liz Truss argued against this:

Look… this is a silly idea. I mean – yeah – so maybe I have taken several donations from the British cheese industry. That’s not why I go on and on about cheese, though. I just really like cheese, okay? I just really like cheese!

Chuka Umunna said:

Forcing politicians to announce their sponsors puts us at an obvious disadvantage. It’s bad enough our rivals have popular policies – they can’t have it all their own way.

Bought and sold

Of course, there is an alternative to the proposal. It’s a bit wacky, but politicians could – and hear me out on this – not take money from corporate interests at all.

Such a move would likely prompt many MPs to quit. On the plus side, such a move would likely prompt many MPs to quit.

Protests a ‘bit inconvenient’ claim people who’ll love climate change

by John Shafthauer

Climate change. That’s a thing. They used to call it ‘global warming’, but it didn’t convey the cataclysmic fuckery we’re unleashing. So they’ve actually stopped saying ‘climate change’ now, and instead, use ‘extinction event’.

If we don’t act now, we’re fucked, basically.

F – U – C – K – E – D.

But still – BEST NOT MILDLY INCONVENIENCE ANYONE WHEN PROTESTING ABOUT IT.

Proportionality

The protest group Extinction Rebellion has been closing down parts of London. Or, as elements of the media are putting it:

Being a big, flipping nuisance for some reason or other – probably just for the attention.

Some protesters with more patience than saints have pointed out that climate change could result in outcomes as progressively catastrophic as:

Millions of people dying.
Entire countries failing.
Billions of people dying.
Entire continents failing.
Everyone fucking dying.
The entire planet becoming a desolate lump of misery on which the only surviving life is rats, mould, and Nigel Farage.

The complainers have responded by whining:

How will making me seven minutes late to work fix anything?

Or:

Obviously someone needs to do something, but why can’t it be somebody else, and why can’t what they do be nothing?

And:

I’m still not convinced it’s real – let’s wait and see. If it completely kills all life on the planet, then I’ll concede I was wrong.

Revolting

The climate protests are just that – PROTESTS.

PEOPLE AREN’T SUPPOSED TO FUCKING LIKE THEM.

THE POINT IS TO CREATE INCONVENIENCE TO DRAW ATTENTION TO SOMETHING IMPORTANT.

AND IF THE PEOPLE COMPLAINING THINK THEY’RE INCONVENIENCED NOW, JUST WAIT UNTIL THEIR HOUSES ARE SUBMERGED IN FUCKING SEA WATER!

Millionaires declare themselves to be a minority group

by John Shafthauer

Lord Alan Sugar has become the only celebrity/politician/millionaire brave enough to speak out against mild socialism:

I have to do it no one else will @jeremycorbyn is tough to undermine in the eyes of his adoring followers. He’s been spouting same nonsense for 40+ years.His fanatics sense there is a chance to get into power,They look other way when required.Its been a long time coming for them https://t.co/KrljErVjc4

— Lord Sugar (@Lord_Sugar) April 17, 2019

Fair enough, right? After all, 50% of the country is owned by 1% of the population. And I don’t know about you, but 99% of the country having a go at the other 1% sounds like bullying to me.

Don't let anyone tell you our country doesn't need radical change.https://t.co/tqRan8TsQy

— Jeremy Corbyn (@jeremycorbyn) April 17, 2019

This is why millionaires have now joined together to fight for their rights.

For the few

Speaking on behalf of his fellow millionaires, Lord Sugar tweeted:

All these jealous loosers [sic] wouldn’t even have jobs if not for me!

When someone pointed out Sugar wouldn’t have anything if not for the many, many, many employees who make his empire possible, he replied:

Another looser [sic] who wants something for nothing! That’s all socialism is – just people with no skills begging for handouts.

Sugar then got on the helicopter he bought with his last tax cut to go to his job at the national broadcaster – a job in which he gets paid hundreds of thousands of pounds to point at millennials and insult the way they sold bean bags to sales executives or some shit.

Few brain cells

Labour has done a lot to suggest it will work for the interests of the many since 2015. It’s not done as much as these panicking millionaires, however.

Every time they open their mouth, more and more people realise what a scam this country is.

Featured image via pxhere / Pixabay / Wikimedia / Pixabay (image was altered)